A denial of dependency is fundamental to crises not only in our most intimate relationships, but also within society at large. We are inextricably woven into the fabric of all things and depend entirely on what is outside of ourselves to survive. Whilst our union with the world and need for each other can feel nurturing and joyful, it also reawakens frightening feelings of dependency and powerlessness from the very earliest moments of our lives. To manage these disturbing feelings, we learn to ignore and deny them. Denial, however, demands a price. It sells us the stories we want to hear and, in exchange, asks that we hand over the parts of ourselves that are in need the most.
In an exploration of interdependence, identity, and culture, psychotherapist Joseph Pawson examines the consequences of what happens when feelings of dependency are exiled from our awareness and excluded from cultural narratives. He illustrates how, as a result of this negation, we find ourselves behaving in ways in which we have little understanding or control. In our relationships, outbursts of anger, addiction, jealousy, and commitment issues all signal the presence of hidden feelings of vulnerability that exert their control from outside of our awareness. Pawson explores how the denial of our need for each other contributes to racism, inequality, misogyny, and the destruction of our environment.
Using stories from the therapy room and drawing on ideas from developmental, Jungian, and Buddhist psychologies, Pawson vividly captures the journey of reconnecting with our banished dependency. This process can heal more than our own interpersonal difficulties. In venturing into the dark places that our need for each other takes us, we can rediscover a profound interconnectedness. In learning to bear these most difficult feelings, we may just develop the courage to lift the veil of denial that shields us from being able to relate compassionately to the greatest sufferings of our times.
Professor Andrew Samuels, former chair, UK Council for Psychotherapy; author of ‘Reflecting Critically on the Political Psyche’ –
‘Joseph Pawson shows that fantasies of self-sufficiency lie at the heart of personal and political splits and polarisations. In a persuasive and accessible volume, he urges us to awake from the dreamy narratives in which we are immersed and confront the pain – again, private and public – that, when denied, fuels division.’
Roger Duncan, systemic, family, and eco psychotherapist; systemic supervisor; author of ‘Nature in Mind’ –
‘This book explores one of the essential and problematic issues at the core of western culture, that of the psychological denial of our entanglement with each other and the natural world. Joseph Pawson describes how this denial of our systemic interdependence is at the root of many of the psychological and cultural problems we experience within modernity today. As we face the breakdown of social structures, climate crisis, and the collapse of our relationship with nature, Pawson passionately argues that psychotherapy has an essential role in helping us overcome our fear of vulnerability, which has its roots in transgenerational trauma, in order to face humanity’s unfolding future.’
Tree Staunton, climate psychologist; UKCP honorary fellow; co-editor of ‘Being a Therapist in a Time of Climate Breakdown’ –
‘This lively and engaging text offers a psychologically informed discussion for general readership about our dependency needs as adults. It explores how these needs are formed in early life, their impact on our relationships and worldview, and how our defences against dependency have come to threaten our very existence on this planet. Examples from therapy sessions offer a window into how these issues may be addressed with the individual, pointing to wider impacts on our relationship to self and other, the environment, and ultimately to our world and collective future.’
Kate Bowman, psychotherapist; supervisor; course leader, MA in humanistic and integrative psychotherapy, Bath Centre for Psychotherapy and Counselling –
‘An accessible and wide-ranging book introducing the reader to the themes of dependency and denial laid down in infancy and their impact on our adult relationships and wider world view, including the ecosystems that support us. Joseph Pawson’s easy-to-read style incorporates examples of his work with clients, and how therapy can help us to better understand these themes in ourselves and others and move towards a compassionate awareness of our inherent interconnectedness.’
Amy McCormack, psychotherapeutic counsellor; editor of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy journal ‘Thresholds’ –
‘Joseph Pawson brings a steadying clarity to the complex realms and unconscious forces at play in our intimate bonds. He offers a quiet critique of the societal and implicitly patriarchal structures that hold us in disconnection, also played out in our attitudes towards the earth. From this emerges a contrasting call for humanity to draw upon the spiritual values of interconnection, circularity, and timelessness. This is a clear-seeing and beautiful book for anyone looking to find the courage to step into vulnerability and embrace all that it means to be human. It will benefit anyone who reads it.’